Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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