OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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