My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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