She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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