I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
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She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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