Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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