He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
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Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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