I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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