I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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