He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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