yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize