You left your underwear on the fireplace
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
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Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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