I think i sorta joined a cult last night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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