I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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