Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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