You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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