dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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