she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I puked a lego.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
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it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
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