You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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