You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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