i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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