Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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