i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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