You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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