even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
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So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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