Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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