Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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