I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
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I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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