this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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