you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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