You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
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I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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