I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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