she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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