My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize