woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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