Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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