I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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