I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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