i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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