i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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