I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
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Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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