would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
BRING THE BAGELS
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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