shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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