so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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