just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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