and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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