So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
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I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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