I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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