im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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