I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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